It’s so hard for me to admit that I want a relationship.
It makes me feel desperate, or weak, or the kind of woman I don’t want to be. The kind that admits to wanting a man in her life. And worse still, deciding to actively look for a man.
I pride myself in being strong, secure, and independent, without a need for significance in another. I’ve only had one serious relationship and it spanned four straight years of my life and muddled with three more afterward. I was 16 years old when it began and I was 23 when we finally, really let each other go. That time feels so far away but it had left a bitter taste in my mouth about relationships I still find hard to swallow.
It is only now, at 25, that I can admit to myself that I can want a relationship. It’s hard, though. Admitting to wanting a boyfriend makes me feel like I’m revealing a loneliness or that I’m looking for completion. But I don’t feel incomplete by myself nor will a relationship make me feel whole. And loneliness is a quiet feeling that comes only once in a while, I am not defined by that emotion.
Realizing a relationship doesn’t equate to weakness in my character is something I still struggle with, but I’m beginning to see that wanting to be with someone else, really means that maybe I’m finally okay with myself. It may mean that I’m genuinely happy enough with who I am independently, and because of that, am willing and able to take care of another person. To be strong and secure for someone else as I have been for myself. And that kind of commitment, makes you stronger.
